Hi! My name is Danielle Adele.
I sat down to write this page and realized I don’t know where to start or what to say. I could probably write a ten page paper, font size 12 and single spaced, on any one of my family members. However when it comes to myself, I completely blank.
Who really is Danielle.
Compassionate, intuitive, hardworking, honest, a little wild, moral, open-minded.
Perfectionist, worry wart, sarcastic, awkward, dramatic, impulsive.
A true Gemini.
But how do I introduce myself in a way that allows you to really understand my character and what makes me, well, me? It’s a tricky thing to explain oneself on paper. We are so much more than two dimensional. To understand humans, you have to feel their energy. I never really understand a person until I can feel them. Feel their intentions. Feel their heart and their energy. Sure, I could go on about what I do for work, my pets and family structure. I could tell you my age and if I have kids, but that is not WHO I am. That is what I do and what I am surrounded with.
I decided that a slew of stories might do the trick.
So first, I bring you back to a single moment during my childhood. Growing up in a middle class family, family trips to hot places where other family members lived was a luxury I got to enjoy. One time, my mom and aunt brought my sister and I to this fancy hotel to swim in the pool.
I was around ten at the time and had always done everything in my power to be a “good girl”. My sister has Down Syndrome and was a very difficult child. From early on, I decided that I needed to take the stress off my parents by never causing problems and always following the rules. I saw their struggles and stress and wanted nothing more than to never cause those feelings.
On our way into the pool area we passed a sign that stated “Hotel Guests Only”. It was at this point that I began to panic. We were doing something against the rules. This wasn’t allowed. We were not guests. I casually brought this up to the adults because clearly they missed the sign. They hadn’t and told me it was fine. But they weren’t the rule makers of this establishment. They were rule breakers.
I started to cry as I became over whelmed by the guilt of rule breaking. I refused to go in the water, even though I could see my mom and aunt getting frustrated with me. At this point in my life, it never occurred to me that rules were “up for interpretation”. Rules were rules and were to be followed for a reason.
Rules were safe.
Flash forward to high school. While still very morally sound, I learned that some rules were better broken.
At this point in my life I had been through some tough stuff already. From severe bullying to watching blood pour from the wrists of a friend that was also struggling with depression and perfectionism. I had been dealing with my own depression without knowing that is what it was for about 5 years.
I also had an incredible boyfriend who knew everything and didn’t judge me for it. How many teenage boys do you know can listen to a girl sob on the phone for hours and still comfort her while listening to the whole breakdown?
I was a straight A student on the volleyball, badminton and track teams. From the outside I looked completely put together. I looked like I was going places. Little did everyone else know, I cried myself to sleep 99% of the nights.
It was in university when I finally broke to a point where I couldn’t function like normal. My family began to see pieces of my broken character. It was at this time that I was told about a psychiatrist who single handedly provided me with understanding and tools to get myself back on track.
It was then that I finally got diagnosed with depression and ADHD.
Looking back, there were so many painful moments as I grew up that can be attributed to either the ADHD or depression or both. Moments that convinced me I was a waste of flesh and bone.
This diagnosis allowed me to understand the lack of control I had with my brain. It allowed me to interrupt the self mantra of “you are worthless” to “you are struggling with something other than yourself”. This was powerful. It allowed me to focus on dealing with the part of my brain that caused the depression instead of my whole self for being “lazy”, “a procrastinator”, “an attention seeker”, “a space case”, “too sensitive”, “selfish”, etc. (I think you get the picture).
It also gave me an opportunity to let it all out. Keeping things bottled up can be absolutely detrimental. It was for me.
From this learning point on, I started the roller coaster of self care and self development.
I am still on that roller coaster.
I chose to tackle this by changing self talk and other habits. Self awareness has been key to learning how to live a life where I feel joy, but also realize in the dark times that it is temporary and while I may not feel it now, I will feel joy again, if I fight.
But I have to fight for it in those moments.
It is after I come out of those moments that I get to see the beauty in and appreciate my own strength.
It is here that I learn to love my flaws.
So that brings me to today. A fairly fully functional young adult trying to navigate my brain, relationships, a full time job and the pursuit of happiness.